"At the beginning, I was still strong, supporting and comforting my partner, telephoning the family and friends, shielding my wife as much as I could, and I was fine until the last phone call - calling my parents Mother told me, I collapsed, I do not even want to imagine how much that burdened her. "
"Men are expected to be tough and have their emotions under control, but right now I just want to cry, it's never happened to me."
Fathers mourn differently
Grief is very personal. Often couples notice that they react very differently to the loss. So maybe one of you would like to start a "normal" life faster than the other:
"I know that my partner does not like to talk about her grief, she can handle it better if she's going on as she always does and hopes for the best, she keeps her pain, I'm the exact opposite, I want to talk about it and find a solution that we can both live with, which puts a lot of strain on our relationship. "
Family, friends and work colleagues can easily overlook the grief of fathers and therefore offer them no help. Most men do not create social networks like women and get their emotional support exclusively from their partner. But when she is entangled in her own grief, the man often believes that he can not talk to anyone about his feelings. This can cause him to suppress his frustration, his fear or grief.
"I try to support my wife, but it's hard to talk to anyone but her about what happened, and I'm fighting not to isolate myself."
If, as a father, you can not or do not want to talk to others about your feelings, but your partner can not and will not talk about their grief, then look for a grief group. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people you do not know so well.
Fathers take and share
Sometimes fathers feel left out for other reasons - for example, when a decision has to be made during pregnancy:
My wife and I had to make the sad decision to stop the pregnancy, but when it came to the formalities, it was only the signature that was required of her, I felt virtually invisible, of course I feel guilty I think so selfish, but that hurt me a lot. "
Some dads do not want to talk about their feelings to protect their partner:
"I did not want to show my grief to my wife because I was scared to make it worse, but at some point I realized that my silence and my distance only made it worse for both of us, it helps me when I'm with her she can talk to me better about it. "
With orphaned parents, it can also lead to misunderstandings and problems in sex life. For example, sex can mean closeness and intimacy to a man, while the woman does not feel physically ready, the sex painfully reminds her of the loss, or she finds his desire for sex numb.
Grief is more than crying and can last a long time
"Men always want to fix everything, but having a broken heart after losing a child is hard to fix, it takes time and patience, and hopefully it will make us stronger as a couple."
Many fathers are amazed at how long and strong their grief is:
"It was very hard for them, but it also hit me a lot, I cried out my eyes several times, it broke my heart, I was shuttling between huge rage and total despair, holding our other kids in our arms , helped me a lot. "
Speech is the key - for both parents
Although it can be difficult, it is very important to talk to each other. This is easier if both partners are aware that:
- the feelings and needs of their partner may differ from their own.
- every person has his own way of expressing and living emotions.
- these differences do not mean that the loss was more severe for one than for the other.