Partner is overwhelmed and does not want the child - what to do? | Community |

Partner is overwhelmed and does not want the child - what to do?


I am now in the 10th week of pregnancy and still torn, whether I should get the baby. It was not planned, and my enthusiasm was limited at first (I did not notice it at once, as I had a bleeding on my penis, which I mistakenly thought was a weak period).

The child's father does not live in the same place let alone a country like mine, but in the UK. He is overwhelmed by the whole thing so excessive - but also varies again and again between anticipation (he had always wanted children) and despair (he is already 50, Uni-Prof and and the opinion that he must use the coming years, his academic career to "boost" to find a better job because he is so dissatisfied with his current work situation). In addition, there is a general dissatisfaction - perhaps also normal, if someone is so focused on his job - or midlife crisis.

For me, in the course of listening to his arguments, I have begun to defend the child more and more, after all, it is a real creature, although of course not viable at the present time. And against the background of my partner's arguments, my own initial attitude seems to me more questionable - I'm 34, have a full-time job, completed studies, etc. and that is not a wish child, because our life situation is so complicated, but maybe it is not impossible. At the same time, however, I realize that at least a large part of the work and education would depend on me.

I see the relationship breaking down right now, although I would like to have it different (we are a bit of a retired summer love from last year, but have never shared a daily life and have never been together for more than 10 days). Rationally, it seemed right (he) - at least uncomplicated - not to get the child, I have already made a termination date - on an emotional level, I feel connected to this being but already and again and again, if I do it anyway could do it alone.

I think he would ultimately love the child very much and be there for it, but to what extent I want to be durable with such an unreliable partner, I do not know. I just see very black. Maybe someone of you has experience with such a situation? I already know a few single parents who manage to do it all well, but the situation of being aware of having the child alone and without the back-up of grandparents / family (I live about 800 km away from my family) is incredibly difficult. Thank you for your answers (and for patient reading so far)


  • reply - 1: Do you want a child or would you want to have another one after an abortion?
  • reply - 2: Hello I am a single mother of a two and a half year old daughter. The father is American and lives there too, I became pregnant in teaching. My mother lives two hours away. I would say if you want the kid, get it. You would probably regret aborting him. But do not give him voluntarily the common custody. Imagine that it gets so hard on its own. But do not waste your time running after him. He is grown and knows what he is doing. I know everybody is always guessing to give the poor man time to think about it, but we're all no longer 5 either he's there or not.
  • reply - 3: Yes, yes, I would like to have children, but in that case it was unplanned as I said ... (I do not have one either) One imagines for a child but of course a more ideal family situation than the one in which I am here. I am afraid that it will overtax me alone (but I also know that it can be done) and also that this is the worst possible starting point for the child.
  • reply - 4: Thank you for this very constructive (and pragmatic) answer <3
  • reply - 5: Very constructive, my message was not, just honest. I had much worse circumstances and still have them at least financially. In addition, the producer terrorizes us. I do not see it so black with you you are in the middle of life financially independent why should not that work? Today many live a few hours away from their grandparents. Do not try to stress or give him a thousand chances that messed up my whole pregnancy.
  • reply - 6: To say you would never be overwhelmed would simply be a lie. There will be moments when you think you can not. You'll have moments where you cry snot and water because you're nervously exhausted. But I think most of you here can tell you that, despite everything, the child is worth it and makes up for everything with his unconditional love for you.

    If you want a child, someday, then you have the opportunity. Almost all of us, with a few exceptions, did not want to get into this situation. I think most of us have had the desire for a different family image.
    But you can do it. Even without the help of friends or family. And every one of us can be proud of that. And you too will be able to say you did it.

    So, where do you come from?

  • reply - 7: I live in Austria (but originally from D)
  • reply - 8: I still thought it was great, you seem to master all this very well and your response has already encouraged me not to give up and run after the guy.
  • reply - 9: I can only confirm that by running in the pregnancy. That breaks a lot. Even if you try to experience everything as consciously as possible.

    Although I have no experience with being a single parent. I am currently in SSW 29 + 3. But with the first movements, but at least with the first right kicks of the little one becomes clear: that works without the father.

    Even if it determines even less pony farm than I imagine so far.

    My friends helped me a lot. And I am lucky that my family lives only an hour and a half away. You just have to mobilize your entire support system. But that in itself is already building up. To see who is behind everything in an emergency. And on whom one can rely less. And in my case, that's just the father.

  • reply - 10: Try to imagine what it could be like in 5 years with or without a child.
    Which situation appeals to you more and corresponds to your ideas and regardless of ideals that can hardly exist in reality.

    After careful consideration, you can then decide.

    That's how I decided and decided on the child.

    The fears of being able to do it alone diminish over time, as you grow with your child and take on a hurdle for hurdles, and each time you become a little bit stronger.

    The image of the ideal family is just an ideal that few actually achieve. It is really ideal if the child is loved, sheltered and guided and guided while growing up. You can do it alone if you decide to live with your child.

    Living with a child demands everything from me, but has reached a depth that I did not know before. No job, no partner or anything else can give you what your little boy can give you. If possible, keep the child's father out of the decision-making process, because you should not make him dependent on you. You know best what's good for you, because who knows you better than you?

    Whether you give life or take life, make peace with this decision and do not look back because what if it will only block you and make you dissatisfied.

    I wish you much strength for this path, which you will master either way.

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